Conservative Or Liberal?
Posted 10 March 2004 - 09:26 PM
The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
In the pivotal event of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the foundation of modern civilization and
the occasion of the great bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had
yet been invented, so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while
they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how
to live off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was
the beginning of the liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.
Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of
group therapy and democratic voting to see how how to divide the
beer and meat that the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that time because most of them were still women back then, and the conservatives fed them.
Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land
animal on earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer
white wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like
their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and french food are on liberal
menus. Their women have more testosterone than the men. Liberals
like deviant sex and want others to like it too. Their first successful
city governments were Sodom and Gomorrah.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumber jacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes, and generally
anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what is to be done with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of
the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
Conservatives have principles, believe in a Creator, and the rule of
law. They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches. When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and
the Constitution, which they use as a constant reference in a
changing world. They believe in the concept of truth.
Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing production of conservatives and undermining principled references such
as the Bible and the Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no standard of reference. Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a portion of stolen tax
money which they vote away from conservatives.
Conservatives believe in self defense, both at home and abroad.
They own guns and use them to discourage liberals and other
common criminals. They provide guns to the armed forces to
discourage foreign liberals and other foreign criminals.
Liberals do not believe in conservative self defense. They disarm conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies
with guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who
abandoned the rule of Law, had no principles except their own self indulgence, and attempted to tax and govern conservatives. Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the
Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have
been charged by liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they
shoot liberals from other countries who want to govern our country. Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law
and a bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Mass. When sitting on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and
don't explain their reasons.
Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as
the privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting
on juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other
common criminals. Modern Judges are mostly liberals as they do not produce anything except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it against the law to reference any source of
law such as the Bible or Constitution. Like other liberals, they just
make it up as they go and do what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean
is their model.
The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative.
A hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to
find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where
I might locate your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbitch ain't been born yet".
So, what'll it be? Wine or Beer? Domestic or Imported?
Posted 10 March 2004 - 10:28 PM
Posted 11 March 2004 - 11:57 AM
That was some writing! Did you just finish it.... ???
Very good. Gimme a damn beer!
Posted 11 March 2004 - 12:15 PM
Actually most of the ranches in the 19th century west were owned by some eastern businessman. As far as a cultivated pallate prefering imported beer to the watered-down, lite offerings from American breweries, there is no acounting for taste, political ideologies not withstanding.
Posted 11 March 2004 - 06:00 PM
You would qualify for the Otis Campbell/Darling Family Jacobean Club.
Posted 11 March 2004 - 06:08 PM
No I didn't write them either. Wish I did, though.
ILLEGAL aliens POEM
I cross ocean, poor and broke, Take bus, see employment folk. Nice man treat me good in there,
Say I need to see welfare. Welfare say, "You come no more, We send cash right to your door."
Welfare checks, they make you wealthy, Medicaid it keep you healthy!
By and by, I got plenty money, Thanks to you, American dummy.
Write to friends in motherland, Tell them 'come fast as you can.' They come in turbans and Ford trucks,
I buy big house with welfare bucks.
They come here, we live together, More welfare checks, it gets better!
Fourteen families, they moving in, But neighbor's patience wearing thin. Finally, white guy moves away,
Now I buy his house, and then I say,
"Find more aliens for house to rent." And in the yard I put a tent.
Send for family they just trash, But they, too, draw the welfare cash!
Everything is very good, And soon we own the neighborhood.
We have hobby -- it's called breeding, Welfare pay for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist? Wife need pills? We get free! We got no bills!
American crazy! He pay all year, To keep welfare running here.
We think America darn good place! Too darn good for the white man race.
If they no like us, they can scram, Got lots of room in Pakistan.
SEND THIS TO EVERY AMERICAN TAXPAYER YOU KNOW
Posted 20 March 2004 - 04:29 PM
Posted 21 March 2004 - 12:42 AM
Posted 21 March 2004 - 01:28 AM
Now if we cound figure out where Bin Laden's hole is and drag him out to be Husiens cell mate we'd have a justifiable cause to drag out the stiens and glasses aqnd drink a toast no matter who's beer you prefer.
Posted 21 March 2004 - 10:53 AM
Posted 21 March 2004 - 03:01 PM
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by the lack of Federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach the same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUV's.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but looney activists who've never been outside Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe that the military, not corrupt politicians, start wars.
12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee, or Thomas Edison.
15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
16. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
17. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
18. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and a sex offender belongs in the White House.
19. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be Constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
20. You have to believe that illegal Democratic party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
21. You have to believe that anyone who beats you in an intellectual arguments is a bigot.
22. You have to believe Richard Nixon obstructed justice by having an 18 1/2 minute gap in one tape of his recorded conversations and that it was an innocent mistake that one year's worth of Al Gore's e-mails got erased.
And, wouldn't you know that these e-mails of Al's just happen to be the ones subpoenaed by a White House committee and a federal grand jury in their continuing investigation of campaign finance abuses and other matters.
Bonus belief of a liberal:
23. You have to believe that it's better for a woman to be raped and murdered than for a rapist to be shot.
Believe all of the above, and THEN you will be a really good liberal.
Posted 21 March 2004 - 04:43 PM
After reading all of the above, I don't know what the F#*k I am!!?
I love Sushi, but love my guns, I like Belgian beer, but don't like affirmative action,
I'd like my health insurance to cost less then $1,200 a month, but I hate socialism,
well, you get it... Hey wait, I think I'm a Libertarian!!!